I spent a good part of my formative years trying to fit in (anyone else?). As a child growing up, we moved a lot, so fitting in was survival as I arrived at a new school. I learned quickly that if I said and did the right things and looked a certain right way, I would fit in and not be singled out or made fun of. (Ha, well, sometimes I was still made fun of, but that’s a different post for a different day!) I carried the fine art of “fitting in” right with me to college. And then, as I got out of college, made new friends at work, joined clubs, and even attended a new church, I had the fitting in thing nearly perfected. Drop me into any social situation and I would, well, fit right in!

Over those formative years, the world tried to convince me that following Christ would be rigid and restrictive, while fitting in would be easy and bring some sense of peace. But I came to learn the opposite was true. Chasing approval and trying to blend in left me feeling suffocated and exhausted. In contrast, pursuing holiness brought an unexpected sense of freedom and true peace. Let me explain.

So what does it look like to pursue holiness?

Holy is a word that has become watered down in the secular world. Look up Merriam-Webster’s definition, and the first of many you will see is “exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.”  You will also see “devoted entirely”, “divine”, “having a divine quality”, among others. And many of these definitions sound right and good to our Christian ears. But I have been learning that Holy it is so much MORE.

Everybody has a picture of God and likely even what it means to be Holy, but as John Mark Comer pointed out in one of his recent podcasts, if you want to get the picture right, you have to go to the source.  In the Bible, the Hebrew word for “holy” is “qadosh” (קָדוֹשׁ), which means “separate” or “set apart”—not just different for the sake of being different, but set apart by God, for God. I’m learning that this phrase “set apart” in the context of being a believer is incredibly rich in meaning. It describes something or someone made different and special, kept separate for a particular purpose. As believers, this is exactly what God does with us. He doesn’t call us to blend in but to stand out. And stand out not by being louder, but by living more like Jesus.

But here’s the tension: you cannot walk in your purpose while conforming to the world. When we prioritize fitting in over following Jesus, we compromise the very calling for which we were created. As Romans 12:2 urges us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

We cannot serve two masters. (Matthew 6:24) We cannot be set apart and fully integrated into the world’s values at the same time. The Israelites struggled with this very thing of wanting to be like other nations rather than embracing their identity as God’s holy people. They asked the prophet Samuel for a King “like all of the other nations”, they worshiped foreign gods like their pagan neighbors, and even adopted customs, fashion, economic practices, and moral standards of other nations, among much more. Their compromise led to hardship and wandering, not the abundance God had in mind. And that was exactly the path I had chosen for years. The path of conforming to this world. Not even comprehending the freedom God had for me on a much narrower yet far more fruitful path.

Being set apart, is not about earning some sort of badge of holiness; it’s about deepening our relationship with the One who has good for us. It isn’t about being distant from people. It’s about being close to God. So, what does it mean to have a holy relationship with God?

To be holy is to be willing to live differently—not for the sake of being excluded, but because you’ve been included in something far greater. 

Jeremiah 1:5 reminds us of this truth that I believe was not just for him but for all believers: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  And in Ephesians 1:4, Paul cements the idea that God’s purpose from the beginning was to set His people apart: “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.”

Before your life ever began, God knew you. He crafted you with purpose and intention, assigning you gifts, strengths, and a role in His greater story. Maybe you sing like an angel, lead with courage like David, or have faith and obedience like Esther. Those talents are not random. They are divine fingerprints, evidence that God has a plan to use you for His good works.

It’s easy to think holiness is just about perfection—doing everything right, staying away from sin, ticking the spiritual checkboxes. But holiness isn’t about behavior modification; it’s about heart transformation. And that transformation happens through relationship with God.

A holy relationship with God starts with getting to know Him and His character. In John Mark Comer’s podcast, He also pointed out that Exodus 34:6-7 is the only place in Scripture where God describes Himself. It’s also the most quoted verse in the Bible, by the Bible. (It’s called the John 3:16 of the Old Testament, quoted more than 20 times!)

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” – Exodus 34:6-7

A holy relationship with God builds with intimacy—drawing near, spending time in His presence, and letting Him shape you from the inside out. Holiness isn’t something we achieve; it’s something we receive by walking closely with the Holy One. The more time we spend with God, the more we get to know Him and ultimately begin to reflect His character: His love, His justice, His compassion, His truth.

A holy relationship with God also means alignment with Him. In a holy relationship, you’re not just asking God to bless your plans, you’re surrendering to His. You’re living with a heart that says, “Your will, not mine.” You start to want what He wants, love what He loves, hate what He hates, and walk where He leads. You’re no longer trying to blend in with the world. You’re choosing to live set apart for Him.

And let’s be clear, holiness doesn’t mean we never mess up. It means when we do, we know where to run. A holy relationship is marked by repentance, grace, and growth. It’s real, not rigid. It’s about loving God with our whole heart, not living in fear of messing up.

Ultimately, to have a holy relationship with God is to be in constant pursuit of Him—not because we’re trying to earn His approval, but because we’ve already been invited into His love. I’m learning more and more each day that He set us apart, not to be distant from Him, but to be drawn to Him. I didn’t have one big mountaintop moment where everything changed overnight, but looking back, I can see how as I have grown closer and closer in my relationship with God, He has been shaping me—pulling me away from what the world expects and helping me lean into the gifts, purpose, and calling He’s set apart for me.

If you love lists as much as I do, here is a summary of the key takeaways I’ve been learning:

• You can’t be holy without being connected to the Holy One.
• Pursuing holiness brings freedom and peace that pursuing things of this world does not.
• God has chosen us to be set apart. He doesn’t call us to blend in, but rather to stand out.
• God has a plan to use you for His good works. You cannot walk in the purpose He has given you while conforming to the world.
• Holiness isn’t about behavior modification; it’s about heart transformation.
• Holiness isn’t something we achieve—it’s something we receive by walking closely with the Holy One.
• In a holy relationship, you’re not just asking God to bless your plans—you’re surrendering to His.

May you be blessed in your pursuit of the Holy One and all He has for you!

Dear Heavenly Father, I’m so grateful that You made way for me to be in a deep and intimate relationship with You. Thank You for Your goodness, graciousness, and constant pursuit of me as I fumble through this life here on earth. Please forgive me when I do fumble. I ask that You guide my heart to desire Your gift of holiness, and help me to grow more and more into who You created me to be. I praise You, and ask all of this in Jesus’ name. Amen.