The holiday season is often referred to as the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” for several reasons. Can’t you hear the ringing of the Salvation Army volunteers seeking donations at the entrance to your grocery store, always with the kindest smiles on their faces? And the beautiful light displays at local parks and subdivisions that have Christmas carols choreographed with blinking lights? From corporations hosting food drives and churches providing Angel trees, to friend groups, book clubs, and service groups gathering together to celebrate another year together, there is a festive aura of the month upon us.

But for some, the end of the year is not a joyous occasion. Starting with the Thanksgiving holiday and through January, the holiday season is a reminder of what and who they don’t have. Many don’t have family to gather with, or are alone for the first time. Or there are some who have family, but after a few days, old wounds are opened, past hurts are retold, and bad feelings are risen to the surface. It’s this last group that this blog is intended for.

So, for those of us hoping for something different this holiday season, here are some ways to prepare yourself, equip, and expect different responses, so that there’s more love and joy to follow.

As I talked to friends heading into Thanksgiving week and Christmas to quickly follow, I was surprised by the number who felt more dread than excitement for the festivities ahead. A few were afraid of what insult they would endure from their in-laws’ lack of filter; others mentioned the meddling in child rearing while guests visited, and the numerous food restrictions needing to be met in the host’s kitchen, not for allergies, but for fad-diet requirements. Then there were the stories of childhood rivalry that reappeared as the family gathered. As each friend shared a piece of their family of origin story, each had an element of sibling rivalry, past hurts, favoritism, even abandonment, and trauma. 

Seasonal gatherings can bring many challenging dynamics.

How can we arrive at the holiday season in a posture that we can enjoy the days together, reminisce about prior adventures, and even laugh with Grandpa, as he shares the same story year after year, day after day? How can we address conflict as it shows up, instead of avoiding and sweeping it under the rug to be dealt with, well, maybe never? How can we increase preparation space in the kitchen to allow a few more helpers? How can we create time together so that everyone will leave more eager for the next holiday season? 

Instead of just hoping for something new to transpire, and getting deflated when the same scenarios of past years replay, here are some godly approaches: 

You might not be able to limit the time your guests stay with you, but you can claim your home and all the rooms in it as peaceful, loving spaces. Before our guests arrive, or when you go to someone else’s home, you can pray over the spaces, from the guest bedroom, kitchen, family room, even the dishes, ask God to be present and loving to all who occupy those spaces and touch the dishes. You can also create a personal escape plan ahead of time. Regardless of being an introvert or an extrovert, we all need private time. Jesus would spend time in the morning in prayer, go in solitude, etc. (Mark 1:35). Decide what that will be and politely excuse yourself to allow for a reset.

You might not be able to stop your guests’ unkind comments, but you can ask God for you see them as God sees them. Regardless of whether they are a believer or not, all humans are created in God’s image (Genesis 1:26-27) and He desires them to choose His salvation (John 3:16-18). So even when they aren’t on their best behavior, there is something to love about them. Ask God to show you those qualities and silently ask for a blessing over them in these areas.

There are times I wish I had taken more than the required college Psychology 101 course to better understand why people react strongly on certain occasions. I have found even better wisdom has come from God, teaching me about resurrection – not Jesus’ but how each of us has areas that need to be tidied up (redemption) and other areas that need to be completely overhauled (resurrection) See Romans 3:23-24. Here is a cliff note: When you look around the room and wonder why old hurts tend to rise to the surface, start looking at your and their wounds. Ask God for empathy to understand what rejection they’ve experienced that is making them lash out as a bully. Or if they are trying to control every situation, ask God to reveal what they fear, etc.

You might not be able to change them, but you can have hope and believe that God can change them. This can start by praying about the family ahead of the holiday. What wrongs do you need to confess or apologize for (1 John 1:9-10)? What past hurts do you need to forgive and let go of, instead of holding bitterness in your heart (John 20:21-23)? In the process of this, God might put a specific person or location on your mind. He may be asking you to pray specifically for them (intercede) See Romans 8:26-27. Don’t disregard this message you are picking up.

God will meet you in each of these approaches. You can begin to break generational sin from your family lineage (Deuteronomy 5:9-10).

If you are someone who already has peaceful, God-filled holiday celebrations with laughter and deep conversations, continue to thank Him for them. Continue to pray before and during these moments, teaching the future generations to do the same, for we are taught the power of faithful prayer:

“Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective…My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins. James 5:13-16,19-20.

Let’s pray together for something different to transpire this year.

Lord, we invite You into our homes and our tables to bring the hope of Your redemption and resurrection to our families and friends. We ask in Your son’s name that You fill old wounds with Your Holy balm, that You steer conversations away from one-upmanship, and bring them to heart matters and healing. We ask that Your Holy Spirit fill us with joy, greater than any man-made spirit can provide, and that new holiday traditions will begin. And even if the name of Christ isn’t mentioned among the guests, we know His presence is present, and His peace is felt. Thank You Daddy, we love You. Amen.