We can plant the seeds, but there is a relationship between them and God that they each must own. As Tome points out in his book, “Boys passively watch others’ spirituality. Men proactively lead others to true spirituality.” The onus is on them to think and act upon the things they know to be right, just, and true, and then share that with others. (Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. – Philippians 4:8)

Positive reinforcement and encouragement are incredibly important. As many boy moms can attest, in one day we can find our sons making a great decision and experiencing an incredible lapse in judgment. It often makes no sense. These contradictions occur because their brains do not fully mature until they are in their mid- to late-20s, when the frontal lobe—the one that controls decision-making and risk-taking—develops. So, when good decisions are made, catching them in the act is key. They are fueled by encouragement. (I think of each encouragement nugget as making deposits into that frontal lobe gap!) Not to mention, we are modeling something God has made very clear that we should do. (Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11)

Love on them. They need to know how to love and be loved. Love means disciplining when they need to be corrected. It means giving them grace when they fall. It means looking to the very model we have of love who is love and that is Jesus. The Bible very clearly spells out how we are to love God and love others. Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:12, Therefore, everything you would like others to do for you, you do for them, for this is the law and the prophets. And in “Five Marks of a Man,” Tome spells out that “Boys tear each other down. Men build each other up.”

Model servant leadership. Chivalry is NOT dead. Putting others ahead of ourselves was modeled by Jesus himself! He would do this with men and women alike:

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. (John 13:12-17)

Modeling servant leadership in the home is so important in giving our children a frame of reference for how they are to treat others and be treated. And it should be their default – something they do not have to think about as they get older. In his book, Tome points out, “Boys act to serve themselves. Men work to serve others.”

Most importantly, keep Jesus at the center. Do this and all other things will follow. In Matthew 6:33, Jesus’ command is EVERYTHING. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. This is my husband’s life verse. His go-to when he needs a reminder of Jesus’ presence in his life. It’s a verse we should instill often into our sons.